Top 4 Worst Gifts Given at Christmas

I've received some great Christmas gifts over my 23 years. A New York Giants Dave Brown jersey when I was 8. A package of 10 bags of Skittles when I was 17. Two pairs of corduroy pants when I was 20. I love corduroy pants. Almost uncomfortable with the amount of comfortability. Wish I could wear them to work. I have been known to wear them to bed in the winter. Belt and all.

But what about presents I've given to others? Honestly, I'm not much of a material person. My gifts to friends and family come in the form of friendship, finger points and smiles. But these sublime offerings don't seem to fly in our material society. So, I'm forced to go with the tangibles. People need to touch and hold their presents. What gives?

Over the years, I've given some good presents. But I've also purchased (or found) some pretty awful ones. Here are the top 4 worst gifts I've ever given to people:

4. Free Glee

Sorry Claire. Don't know if you ever knew this. Don't know if you even read my blog. You're not a follower. Why is that? Aren't you my sister? Where's the love? You make me sick.

The following is probably why you don't follow.

I was shopping at Old Navy in the Waterbury Mall, looking for some performance fleeces and cargo pants. It was early December, so I was also on the lookout for any good Christmas gifts. When I reached the cashier to pay for the green cargos, the woman offered me a small package (about the size of my wallet) for free! The package was actually a small hand towel that was wrapped up and folded over about 20 times. It had a nice little pink snowman stitched into the middle. Pink--Bathroom product--Girl. That's how my train of thought went 15 years ago. Who am I kidding? That train is still running at full speed today. It was the perfect gift for Claire.

Two weeks later I found it in our kitchen dish rag bucket. Sorry sis.

3. Jewelry Tomfoolery

I had a girlfriend once. That is not a joke. I actually did. So, come Christmas time, I felt pressured to purchase jewelry. I was in high school and really didn't know where to get the gift or what was appropriate. Should I buy gold? Silver? Bronze? Maybe I can weld something out of one of my old tee ball trophies.

Eventually, I ended up venturing into Claire's (again in the Waterbury Mall. Gave that place a plethora of awful business). Looking back on it today, I realize that Claire's sells jewelry made for 7 year olds or to outfit Halloween costumes. Plastic, blue and cheap. At the time, I really had no idea. It looked nice to me and isn't that the only person who should matter? The boyfriend? Ja'mon, Lee!

So I bought a necklace and set of earrings. She hated it. Probably re-gifted and sent both to her newborn baby cousin. Haven't had a girlfriend since.

2. Pasta for Costa

Secret Santa. A planned, obligatory exchange of presents = disaster mode for Matt Monagan. It was senior year and I had other things on my mind. SATs, girls, my next move in Yahoo Graffiti, Gogurt. I waited until the very last minute. The night before actually. John Costa was the lucky recipient this year. I had absolutely nothing to offer Johnny "Bowl of Pasta" Costa. Then I said his nickname out loud again to myself. Bowl of Pasta. BINGO!

I ran to my cupboard and pulled out a box of Angel Hair spaghetti. Costa had a good sense of humor. It would be a joke but also something that his entire family can enjoy. A meal. I'm giving food. As Jesus gave bread, I shall give pasta.

I stuck a 20 dollar bill under the top tab for good measure (or tomato sauce) and wrapped it. Costa loved it, but it still has to be one of the worst gifts I've ever given.

1. Stealing Suzi's Scarf

Another Secret Santa disaster. One of the worst things I've ever done. I will go to Hell because of this. I may not even be allowed into Hell. Does Hell have a prison? I think I would just be transferred directly to Hell's prison. Life in prison, in Hell.

It was junior year and once again, I didn't have a gift the night before. I was busy with PSATs, handbells, Snood and giving wedgies to freshman. The night before, I was actually at the Waterbury Mall going to see a movie. Figures this happened at the Waterbury Mall.

As my friends and I were walking through the parking lot and discussing why I didn't have a secret santa present for the next morning, I noticed a small scarf on the hood of a car. I walked over, picked it up and examined the front and back. I couldn't see much in the dark, but it seemed clean enough. My friends (being the great friends they were) agreed that this could suffice as a reasonable present for my female recipient. It probably would've been better if my recipient was blind.

So, when I returned home, I put the scarf under the faucet for a couple minutes, washing out any dirt/blood stains. I then began wrapping the dark blue garment in red, holiday paper. It actually looked pretty decent. That's when I noticed the tag. The owner had scrawled in the name "Suzi" on the white label.

What could I do? I didn't have white out. Should I scribble it out? That would look even worse. Should I try and morph "Suzi" into a from, "Santa"? Changing a "z" to an "n"? Didn't know if that had ever been done before. Should I cut off the tag? Yes. Looking back, that seems like the definite solution. But I was in panic mode and playing in a Party Poker 5 c/10 c blind tournament at the same time. I couldn't let HerbieFullyBloated beat me again.

So, I left Suzi's name on the tag. Maybe she'd think it was some kind of new designer. Suzi. It's a snazzy, designer sort of name.

I didn't stick around to find out if she enjoyed her gift the following day. I hid in a corner of the room. In fact, I never spoke to her again after that Christmas for fear of her using the scarf to strangle all the air out of my lungs. Maybe she loved it. Maybe she's still wearing it somewhere today. Maybe she met Suzi and the two of them are planning to kill me in my sleep.

Either way, I apologize to my unfortunate recipients and hope there are no hard feelings. I hope I have learned from these selfish acts on such an unselfish day. Hey, just remember, this list could've been a top 5 or top 10. I'm not that horrible.

Happy Holidays from Bermuda!

Who You Finnah Try??!

Lynch was doing the same thing to me yesterday. He kept singing "Cool Jerk" and smacking his chest in my face. I wound up and cold-clock decked him. Sent him up 3rd Ave and B2daBX.

2012 Presidential Candidate

My brother sent me this video yesterday. This guy ran for treasurer of Stark County, Ohio. By the end of the speech he's so exhausted, it seems as if he literally "ran" for the full 6 minutes. A mix between Chris Farley's character Matt Foley and Bill Murray. I have no idea how the audience isn't on the floor laughing. I was. Check it out. Might give you a few LOLs. I'm not republican, but would be for this guy:

The similarities are uncanny. Matt Foley, motivational speaker:

Loud i-pod, Small space

Got out of work and off the subway around 7 tonight. Had Lil' Wayne on the shuffle and on very high. Waltzed into the side door of my apartment building and flipped my room key high in the air. I was happy the day was done. The elevator came down to floor 1 and an attractive girl came strolling down the hallway to jump on with me. Weezy ended and, wouldn't you know it, "This Magic Moment" came on just as loud.

I tried to turn down the volume but couldn't find which pocket my i-pod was in. It wasn't in my coat pocket. Not in my pants pocket. It was very inconveniently lodged in the blazer pocket underneath my coat. Very difficult to get to. Why had I put it there? Why would anyone ever put it there?

I nervously glanced over at the red-haired woman as The Drifters blared through my headphones. She kind of looked like a mix between Jessica Rabbit and Raggedy Ann. Very sexy. I thought she heard the track and gave me a quick smile, but was probably just my imagination. I almost made like Squints Palledorous on Wendy Peffercorn, but thought better of it. Could've turned into a very tragic moment.

Go to 2:20 to see Squints make his move -

Surely, YOU can't be serious

He appeared in over 100 films and 1500 television programs. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He portrayed more than 220 different characters in westerns, dramas, romances and comedies. He was a Disc Jockey before getting into the film business, had 4 separate wives (guy got game) and sported that distinctive white hairstyle that seems to always mask someone's age.

Needless to say, Leslie Nielsen's resume is recession proof. His IMDb listing is longer than Gheorge Muresean. He was inducted into the Canada Hall of Fame. Although, don't know how much credibility that provides. It's like being inducted into the Hopscotch Hall of Fame or winning the Hustle Award for your middle school ultimate frisbee team.

Detective Frank Drebin, Doctor Rumak, Mr. Magoo, President Baxter Harris, Commander JJ. Adams, Count Dracula.

Although he did act in serious roles early in his career, he has to be best remembered for his comedic performances. The movies where everything he said or did was a complete and utter joke. I remember watching Airplane!, Naked Gun and Dracula: Dead and Loving it for the first time and cackling until my sides were sore. Nielsen makes "To die laughing" a possible and preferable reality. Here are some great scenes from The Naked Gun. Careful not to pee yourself:

What is his best role of all time? It's an impossible question. A paradox. Every role is his best. I loved him in Airplane!, Naked Gun and even Superhero Movie. But, if I had to choose, I would have to go with a very underrated and small role in Scary Movie 3 (One of the greatest spoof films ever created). He plays President Harris. Think it's very similar to how George W. acted in the Oval Office:

But what Nielsen really taught me (other than how to drive a car or be a doctor) was to not take life too seriously. Joke around. Enjoy your time here. Make people laugh. Laughter brings comfort, which in turn brings happiness.

One of Nielsen's famous quotes is "Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished."

Well, after 84 successful years, you're finally finished, and that nothing has produced a whole lot.