Going CRAZY for Crazy

What do you do when you hear the word crazy? Do you laugh like an epileptic hyena? Like a white male at a Dave Chapelle Show after 5 weed brownies? Like a white male staring at a white wall after 5 weed brownies? Do you fall out of your chair, crying tears of joy, screaming "HE SAID IT!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID IT!!!"

If you do, no need to worry. You're not abnormal. You're Korean.

Most comedians have a word or phrase that makes their performance for the night.

Chapelle's "Purple Drink" sketch is one of my favorites.

Now imagine that Dave didn't have to go into any detailed descriptions for his purple drink joke. Forget Sunny Delight, forget grape juice, forget forming full sentences. What if all he had to do was repeat the two words over and over on stage? Maybe changing his tone of voice every so often, but still retaining the same laughter from the crowd?

This is what crazy does in Korea. Pure. Comedy. Gold.

Sometimes, I have rough days in class. No 10-11 year old wants to learn about Edvard Munch's The Scream, or the mating habits of a North American elephant seal. (Although, there are some amazing elephant seal fighting videos. Fox should televise a Rosie O'Donnell vs. Elephant Seal steel cage match.)

Anyway, there are a few days when energy is low. The kids are in their 4th or 5th academy of the day and busy thinking about their next move in Starcraft or salivating at the idea of a warm kimbap 2-gue.

As a result, I feel horrible. I don't want them to be bored and frustrated.

What can I do?

1. I could make the topic more interesting.

"Yes, class. Munch's Scream painting was the model face for the 90's movie Scream." I would then show a clip from Scream, end up showing clips from Scary Movie 1 and then, in a Scary Movie induced daze, show them one of my favorite films; Scary Movie 3 in its entirety. Lesson fail.

2. I could point to a boy in the class and say "How's your girrlllfrrriennddd???"

This would spark all kinds of conversations. The girls would ask me how many girlfriends I had. I would say "8 or 9. Lost count a long time ago." I would then go to a map and point to every country I had a gf. When I moved my hand towards Africa, the class would groan with disgust and call me Tiger Woods. The topic would then turn to sexism/racism during an Edvard Munch lesson. Interesting. But again, lesson fail.

So sometimes I have to do it. I have to pull out the crazy card.

"CRAZY TEACHER!" I'll say, while making psychotic motions with my hands and face.

"CRAZY STUDENTS! CRAZY PENCIL SHARPENER! CRAZY COMPUTER!" while smacking the top of the monitor with both hands.

Choruses of laughter will erupt from the classroom. Some students will topple on the floor, smacking each other on the back. Others will beg for me to say it again.

"Kim Jong Il! SO CRAZY! CHUNGDAHM! CRAZY ACADEMY!"

I swear, it's like a tank of Nitrous Oxide has just been released through the vents. Utter hilarity.

Sometimes I have to go a little extra with the craziness for older kids. Maybe pick up 4 mult-colored markers and scrawl it in huge letters all over the white board and walls. Write crazy all over my face and run screaming up and down the aisles.

After the noise dies down, I will again have their full attention and we can continue with the lesson.

But why so CRAZY for crazy?

Webster's number 1 definition for crazy reads: "demented, insane."

Is there anything funny about either of these definitions?

Demented? Don't we call what pedophiles do demented? Wasn't Charles Manson demented? Do people reread Helter Skelter when they need a good, long laugh? "Haha! Here it is. Yeah, he stabbed the pregnant woman 27 times and then wrote a message in her blood on the wall! Her blood!"

Insane? Insanity isn't really something to laugh at. People who are insane are actually sick and disturbed. It can be very sad. See Lady Gaga, John Rocker, Mike Tyson or....Jim Mora.

So what's so funny about this 5 letter word?

Maybe it's the zonky "zy" ending. Maybe there's some nationwide inside joke that foreigners don't know about.

Whatever it is, it's gotta be something really...really...CRAZY!

The Ewah-ild Side

Throughout my time in Korea, I've taught some interesting subjects in the classroom. The first term I discussed both the physical and psychological transformations experienced by Henry Jekyll in "Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde."

I guess it really wasn't a discussion. The only parts that were of interest to my students were when Hyde curb stomped an old man and trampled a little girl.

In another class during the first term (history of rock and roll was the subject), I tried hard to make a connection with my class. For most, Rock and Roll might as well have been a pebble and buttered appetizer you receive before a meal. Korean Pop was all they cared about. G-Dragon was their "man?"

Alas, I showed them a clip of Fats Domino playing the piano and desperately declared "He is the G-Dragon of the 1950s. K-Pop would be nothing without Fats Domino."

Students: "Babo Teacher. (Clown Teacher) Very uugly. Like you."

Excellent.

During the 2nd term, I taught an upper-level class and delved into topics such as inflation and the history of money. Two topics I knew nothing about, and still don't.

I recall one class (topic was Biological Classification Systems, everyones favorite!), I could not spell "Linnaean", for The Linnaean System, on the board.

I misspelled it the first time I put it up and tried to nonchalantly fix it while answering a student's question. Again, I misspelled it. How many (e)s were there in this stupid word? Is it eaen? aean? How can these letter combinations be possible? I never knew Linnaean, but I hated him.

"Ok class, we're going to call it the L. System. This will facilitate quick note-taking."

Nice save.

Although there were some mishaps and cultural divides while teaching these higher-level classes, most of them went smoothly. The students spoke English well and asked pertinent questions.

But this term, I have entered the Ewah-ild side.

A place where the bathroom is anywhere you want it to be, where homework stamps turn children into yellow-top crack fiends from "The Wire" and where English is as dead as Samuel L. Jackson in "Deep Blue Sea."

The school of 5-10 year olds known as Ewah. I may be over-exaggerating a tad. Most of the classes aren't too bad.

Many of the kids CAN speak in clear phrases, disregarding the use of pronouns, articles and other important parts of speech.

As a result, I now have trouble remembering to use articles and basic grammar in normal conversations with friends.

"Weekend? What we do?"

But there are two classes (one class of ten 8-9 year old boys, one of five 5-7 year old boys) that I dread "teaching." Although, I know not to get too upset with the kids. They're full of energy and life. Who can blame them at that age?

However, there are times when I'm sitting at my desk and can hear these boys sprinting toward my classroom, their screams echoing through the CDI hallways. At these moments, I can only think of Gandalf''s speech from the "Fellowship of the Ring."

"They have taken the bridge...and taken the second gates. We've barred the door, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, Drums. Cannot get out. Shadows move in the dark. We cannot get out...They're coming."