2012 Presidential Candidate

My brother sent me this video yesterday. This guy ran for treasurer of Stark County, Ohio. By the end of the speech he's so exhausted, it seems as if he literally "ran" for the full 6 minutes. A mix between Chris Farley's character Matt Foley and Bill Murray. I have no idea how the audience isn't on the floor laughing. I was. Check it out. Might give you a few LOLs. I'm not republican, but would be for this guy:

The similarities are uncanny. Matt Foley, motivational speaker:

Loud i-pod, Small space

Got out of work and off the subway around 7 tonight. Had Lil' Wayne on the shuffle and on very high. Waltzed into the side door of my apartment building and flipped my room key high in the air. I was happy the day was done. The elevator came down to floor 1 and an attractive girl came strolling down the hallway to jump on with me. Weezy ended and, wouldn't you know it, "This Magic Moment" came on just as loud.

I tried to turn down the volume but couldn't find which pocket my i-pod was in. It wasn't in my coat pocket. Not in my pants pocket. It was very inconveniently lodged in the blazer pocket underneath my coat. Very difficult to get to. Why had I put it there? Why would anyone ever put it there?

I nervously glanced over at the red-haired woman as The Drifters blared through my headphones. She kind of looked like a mix between Jessica Rabbit and Raggedy Ann. Very sexy. I thought she heard the track and gave me a quick smile, but was probably just my imagination. I almost made like Squints Palledorous on Wendy Peffercorn, but thought better of it. Could've turned into a very tragic moment.

Go to 2:20 to see Squints make his move -

Surely, YOU can't be serious

He appeared in over 100 films and 1500 television programs. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He portrayed more than 220 different characters in westerns, dramas, romances and comedies. He was a Disc Jockey before getting into the film business, had 4 separate wives (guy got game) and sported that distinctive white hairstyle that seems to always mask someone's age.

Needless to say, Leslie Nielsen's resume is recession proof. His IMDb listing is longer than Gheorge Muresean. He was inducted into the Canada Hall of Fame. Although, don't know how much credibility that provides. It's like being inducted into the Hopscotch Hall of Fame or winning the Hustle Award for your middle school ultimate frisbee team.

Detective Frank Drebin, Doctor Rumak, Mr. Magoo, President Baxter Harris, Commander JJ. Adams, Count Dracula.

Although he did act in serious roles early in his career, he has to be best remembered for his comedic performances. The movies where everything he said or did was a complete and utter joke. I remember watching Airplane!, Naked Gun and Dracula: Dead and Loving it for the first time and cackling until my sides were sore. Nielsen makes "To die laughing" a possible and preferable reality. Here are some great scenes from The Naked Gun. Careful not to pee yourself:

What is his best role of all time? It's an impossible question. A paradox. Every role is his best. I loved him in Airplane!, Naked Gun and even Superhero Movie. But, if I had to choose, I would have to go with a very underrated and small role in Scary Movie 3 (One of the greatest spoof films ever created). He plays President Harris. Think it's very similar to how George W. acted in the Oval Office:

But what Nielsen really taught me (other than how to drive a car or be a doctor) was to not take life too seriously. Joke around. Enjoy your time here. Make people laugh. Laughter brings comfort, which in turn brings happiness.

One of Nielsen's famous quotes is "Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished."

Well, after 84 successful years, you're finally finished, and that nothing has produced a whole lot.

GivingThanks

What do I have to be thankful for this year?

My health? I think I'm healthy. Although, I haven't been to a doctor in about 2 years. I don't even know the name of my physician. Or do I still see a pediatrician? Am I supposed to sign up to see a new doctor in NYC? Does Connecticare Healthcare work in a different state? Guess I just need to stay healthy.

My friends? Facebook tells me I have 671. Aguis to Zalewski. Girls, boys, men, women, grandmothers, dogs, about 300 fake profiles I created and friended myself with. Love hanging with all my friends, except for you Zalewski. I'm actually de-friending you right now.

My family? Dad, Mom, Big Mono and Claire. I'm thankful for you guys every single day of the year. Except for family reunions and other holiday celebrations. Just Joshin'.

But let's look at some other recent happenings I'm thankful for:

1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. A big mac, 2 Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, a Chinese finger trap and a leprechaun. Oh...sorry. Kanye puts out an amazing album for only 3.99 on Amazon.com. No matter how much you hate his cocky, arrogant, elitist, selfish, ignant ways, Kanye is a fantastic producer and has some of the best collaborations on his LPs. He also has some great lines like: "Too many urkels on your team, that's why your Wins-low." You can't make this stuff up. Only Kanyecan.

2. That I'm not in South Korea right now. Or North for that matter. Although I would love to be working a 4-10 pm schedule and tallying 24 hours per week rather than 24 hours in 2 days. I also wouldn't mind a slice of that sweet egg bread and a hot plate of dalkalbi. You know what, maybe I'm not thankful for this. The conflict may look as if it's escalating, but there seem to be a few problems with the new NK leader. Some feelings of inadequacy for Kim Jong-Un. Nothing may happen at all. Read here.

3. Skoreit.com. I saw a plug for this site on Mike and Mike in the morning the other day and have since put in 30 bids for products like the i-pad, i-pod touch and assorted HDTVs. It's a live auction site with countdowns for each prize. Flashing lights, buzzer beaters, $500 gift cards going for .86 cents. It is an actual beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy...or a recipe for a full-blown seizure. I haven't won anything yet, but have gotten down to "going once!" "going twice!" a couple times. It's tough when there are people on this site with names like: CantStopNeverStop, BidFromTheWombToTomb, SeriouslyHaventSleptIn5Years. Check it out. Bid till you did.

4. ThanksGiving Eve. What a night. Back home at a local bar; seeing friends from middle school, high school, preschool, juvenile delinquent prison. This past Eve was made utterly delightful with some delicious whipped cream vodka, Sam Adams and No Speak Americano on the dance floor. If you haven't tried whipped cream vodka, I suggest you don't. Ice cream alcohol. Disgusting.

Side note: I have Twitter set up on my flip phone so I can text and provide updates to my online account. After looking through my calls from Thanksgiving Eve, I actually phoned that 4-digit Twitter number. Don't know why or what the conversation entailed. The duration of the call was 4 minutes.

5. And finally, Thanksgiving Dinner. The FOOD!

We No Speak Americano

Can't get enough of this song right now. Was jamming to it on my i-pod walking to the elevator this morning and almost knocked over a very attractive girl mid-dance move. I quietly muttered "Hello" and took the stairs.

Or the even more popular Jersey Shore Version: