Going CRAZY for Crazy

What do you do when you hear the word crazy? Do you laugh like an epileptic hyena? Like a white male at a Dave Chapelle Show after 5 weed brownies? Like a white male staring at a white wall after 5 weed brownies? Do you fall out of your chair, crying tears of joy, screaming "HE SAID IT!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID IT!!!"

If you do, no need to worry. You're not abnormal. You're Korean.

Most comedians have a word or phrase that makes their performance for the night.

Chapelle's "Purple Drink" sketch is one of my favorites.

Now imagine that Dave didn't have to go into any detailed descriptions for his purple drink joke. Forget Sunny Delight, forget grape juice, forget forming full sentences. What if all he had to do was repeat the two words over and over on stage? Maybe changing his tone of voice every so often, but still retaining the same laughter from the crowd?

This is what crazy does in Korea. Pure. Comedy. Gold.

Sometimes, I have rough days in class. No 10-11 year old wants to learn about Edvard Munch's The Scream, or the mating habits of a North American elephant seal. (Although, there are some amazing elephant seal fighting videos. Fox should televise a Rosie O'Donnell vs. Elephant Seal steel cage match.)

Anyway, there are a few days when energy is low. The kids are in their 4th or 5th academy of the day and busy thinking about their next move in Starcraft or salivating at the idea of a warm kimbap 2-gue.

As a result, I feel horrible. I don't want them to be bored and frustrated.

What can I do?

1. I could make the topic more interesting.

"Yes, class. Munch's Scream painting was the model face for the 90's movie Scream." I would then show a clip from Scream, end up showing clips from Scary Movie 1 and then, in a Scary Movie induced daze, show them one of my favorite films; Scary Movie 3 in its entirety. Lesson fail.

2. I could point to a boy in the class and say "How's your girrlllfrrriennddd???"

This would spark all kinds of conversations. The girls would ask me how many girlfriends I had. I would say "8 or 9. Lost count a long time ago." I would then go to a map and point to every country I had a gf. When I moved my hand towards Africa, the class would groan with disgust and call me Tiger Woods. The topic would then turn to sexism/racism during an Edvard Munch lesson. Interesting. But again, lesson fail.

So sometimes I have to do it. I have to pull out the crazy card.

"CRAZY TEACHER!" I'll say, while making psychotic motions with my hands and face.

"CRAZY STUDENTS! CRAZY PENCIL SHARPENER! CRAZY COMPUTER!" while smacking the top of the monitor with both hands.

Choruses of laughter will erupt from the classroom. Some students will topple on the floor, smacking each other on the back. Others will beg for me to say it again.

"Kim Jong Il! SO CRAZY! CHUNGDAHM! CRAZY ACADEMY!"

I swear, it's like a tank of Nitrous Oxide has just been released through the vents. Utter hilarity.

Sometimes I have to go a little extra with the craziness for older kids. Maybe pick up 4 mult-colored markers and scrawl it in huge letters all over the white board and walls. Write crazy all over my face and run screaming up and down the aisles.

After the noise dies down, I will again have their full attention and we can continue with the lesson.

But why so CRAZY for crazy?

Webster's number 1 definition for crazy reads: "demented, insane."

Is there anything funny about either of these definitions?

Demented? Don't we call what pedophiles do demented? Wasn't Charles Manson demented? Do people reread Helter Skelter when they need a good, long laugh? "Haha! Here it is. Yeah, he stabbed the pregnant woman 27 times and then wrote a message in her blood on the wall! Her blood!"

Insane? Insanity isn't really something to laugh at. People who are insane are actually sick and disturbed. It can be very sad. See Lady Gaga, John Rocker, Mike Tyson or....Jim Mora.

So what's so funny about this 5 letter word?

Maybe it's the zonky "zy" ending. Maybe there's some nationwide inside joke that foreigners don't know about.

Whatever it is, it's gotta be something really...really...CRAZY!

The Ewah-ild Side

Throughout my time in Korea, I've taught some interesting subjects in the classroom. The first term I discussed both the physical and psychological transformations experienced by Henry Jekyll in "Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde."

I guess it really wasn't a discussion. The only parts that were of interest to my students were when Hyde curb stomped an old man and trampled a little girl.

In another class during the first term (history of rock and roll was the subject), I tried hard to make a connection with my class. For most, Rock and Roll might as well have been a pebble and buttered appetizer you receive before a meal. Korean Pop was all they cared about. G-Dragon was their "man?"

Alas, I showed them a clip of Fats Domino playing the piano and desperately declared "He is the G-Dragon of the 1950s. K-Pop would be nothing without Fats Domino."

Students: "Babo Teacher. (Clown Teacher) Very uugly. Like you."

Excellent.

During the 2nd term, I taught an upper-level class and delved into topics such as inflation and the history of money. Two topics I knew nothing about, and still don't.

I recall one class (topic was Biological Classification Systems, everyones favorite!), I could not spell "Linnaean", for The Linnaean System, on the board.

I misspelled it the first time I put it up and tried to nonchalantly fix it while answering a student's question. Again, I misspelled it. How many (e)s were there in this stupid word? Is it eaen? aean? How can these letter combinations be possible? I never knew Linnaean, but I hated him.

"Ok class, we're going to call it the L. System. This will facilitate quick note-taking."

Nice save.

Although there were some mishaps and cultural divides while teaching these higher-level classes, most of them went smoothly. The students spoke English well and asked pertinent questions.

But this term, I have entered the Ewah-ild side.

A place where the bathroom is anywhere you want it to be, where homework stamps turn children into yellow-top crack fiends from "The Wire" and where English is as dead as Samuel L. Jackson in "Deep Blue Sea."

The school of 5-10 year olds known as Ewah. I may be over-exaggerating a tad. Most of the classes aren't too bad.

Many of the kids CAN speak in clear phrases, disregarding the use of pronouns, articles and other important parts of speech.

As a result, I now have trouble remembering to use articles and basic grammar in normal conversations with friends.

"Weekend? What we do?"

But there are two classes (one class of ten 8-9 year old boys, one of five 5-7 year old boys) that I dread "teaching." Although, I know not to get too upset with the kids. They're full of energy and life. Who can blame them at that age?

However, there are times when I'm sitting at my desk and can hear these boys sprinting toward my classroom, their screams echoing through the CDI hallways. At these moments, I can only think of Gandalf''s speech from the "Fellowship of the Ring."

"They have taken the bridge...and taken the second gates. We've barred the door, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, Drums. Cannot get out. Shadows move in the dark. We cannot get out...They're coming."

Spy Games and A Paddy's Day Pow-Wow!

I got inside. Cameras were everywhere. I counted one, two, three along the low ceiling.

I carefully made my way around the room, understanding my objective, but always keeping an eye towards the front for the slightest bit of movement.

Where was it? I didn't have much time. One never does in these situations.

Get it and get out. That was my plan at the outset. Something so hard to do in a place that can be so strange and confusing. Everything was in different places. Very unfamiliar. Very small.

I had been caught before. Actually, I'd never not been caught. When it comes to getting got, I'm more unlucky than a baby born under a ladder on the wrong side of the DMZ. That goes for most things in life.

Getting caught in this situation was really not a terrible thing, just very awkward and incredibly annoying.

All of a sudden, my phone went off. I tried to reach into my pocket and mute it, but the Korean jeans I had on were too tight around the waist. I could barely get a finger in there, let alone my entire hand. In a panic, I checked my body up against the wall to stop the blaring ringtone. But I was too late. My cover was blown.

The female employee poked her head out from behind a pile of shoe boxes and rushed over to me. She began speaking in Korean (oddly enough) and guiding me along the stacks of jeans, socks and soccer jerseys.

I turned away, embarrassed I couldn't respond in her language and confident I could find a green shirt for St. Paddy's Day on my own. But I couldn't shake her. I would walk five feet, turn around and see her eyeing me from the end of the aisle. If I took an item off the shelf to check the price, she would rush over to me and say something. I would mutter "camsamnidad" (thank you) and sometimes throw in a "kimbap toogue" (two kimbap rolls), hoping to show her I have no concept of the Korean language.

But she would not give up. She was determined that she could break this unbreakable language barrier. Even when I thought I lost her, she would pop up behind a counter of boxer shorts or pose as a mannequin and unfreeze back into the smiling employee.

Eventually, I became so frustrated that I left. Even after walking about a block down from the Adidas Department store, I was still turning nervously, expecting to see the store clerk stalker.

I know she was just trying to be kind and helpful, but I've found that especially in Korea, it can really become almost comical with the way that store employees watch/follow foreigners. They probably see us as needing the most help, which is sometimes the truth. But trailing me through the store and talking to me in a language I don't know makes me both uncomfortable and paranoid. It has become my mission to attract as little attention as possible to myself when entering these arenas. I guess it's either that or learn more Korean. I'll go with that.

These situations happen when I'm buying something or even when I'm simply browsing through a store. Being hounded by store employees while simply browsing is something that anybody can relate to. Especially LD. Go to 4:09 of the clip:

Paddy Party:

In the end, I did not find a suitable green shirt for the Paddy's Day party. My friend suggested buying a head of broccoli and carrying it around for the entire night. I thought about it, but decided it wasn't the best idea. Instead, I bought some Guinness, chips and threw on my green Gangwon FC hat. The party was excellent. Near the beginning of the night we were playing a tame game of trivial pursuit, but by the end we had switched gears and a full-blown game of spin the bottle/truth or dare was being conducted in the small apartment. A dangerous game I never thought I'd play after the age of 12, but one I'm happy to have been a part of.

Beginning of the night:

Trivial Pursuit:

Last Picture taken before Spin the Bottle/Truth or Dare:

Claire Apparent

She came, she saw, she turned my life upside down. Or maybe right side up?

Claire visited Chuncheon this past week.

Honestly, I probably did more activities around the Chunch' than I had in the past 6 months. And if we're just talking about doing activities, I was probably more active than I've been in about 2 years.

I was frightened at first. As I was waking up at 10 am the first couple mornings or hiking up the side of a mountain, I wasn't sure whether my body could handle this sudden change in schedule. Could my heart work at this normal person pace? Would my brain explode? There really is time for 3 meals in one day? The sun rises before it sets?

But once I got used to these realizations, I found myself feeling healthier and happier. It also helped that it was 60 degrees for most of the week and Claire poured me a bowl of cereal every morning with milk and a touch of love.

Claire was awesome to have around. She has such great energy and need to keep busy. Two things I've always feared, but am working on. She's also become very aware of her surroundings. She made it from the supermarket in my city back to my apartment her first day here. Sense of direction is something she's drastically improved upon. If I remember correctly, she used to have trouble finding the entrance to I-84 in Waterbury. She would whip out a map in order to get from Fulton park to 7-11.

We hiked, drank some Soju, Twisted and Shouted at Karaoke and wowed a Korean Tennis Club with our athleticism. Still got that ferocious Prince Fielder-esque backhanded swing and eephus of a second serve.

Claire is all over the court. Backbone of the team.

We defeated two Koreans in a tiebreaker, impressing the club "pro." I say "pro" because he looked and acted like anything but. He wore a trench coat with moccasins and smoked about 4 cigarettes while we were playing. I kept looking over while he was blowing smoke up into the air, laughing with a group of young, korean women. One time he caught my eye and stared at me for a couple seconds. He motioned to his cigarettes. I half-expected him to break out into an Alex Baldwin type monologue from The Departed. Go to :54 seconds:

The first couple games we looked like Michael Chang and Anna Kournikova. But the last couple we were like Federer and Venus. Grunting aside.

Also, on the way back to my neighborhood, the taxi cab driver challenged me to a match. Might give him a call next weekend to pick me up. Wonder if he'll use the company car. Wonder if he'll turn off the meter.

Anyways, it was great to see Claire and I thank her for coming out to visit. I may never get up at 10 am again these next 6 months, but at least I now know that it exists.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

This past weekend was the Lunar New Year in South Korea and many other Asian nations.

Not positive if North Korea celebrates the New Year. Not sure if they have calendars or are allowed to celebrate much of anything up north. Maybe Kim Jong Il's birthday, laundry day and new mistress day.

Since I've been over here and closer to Kim-bap, I've realized that he really isn't as bad as others put him out to be. Maybe just a little lonely. A natural feeling we all experience at some point or another.

Anyways, let's get back to the theme of this post. The beginning of a new year in South Korea. One of the most important days on their calendar. Elaborate gifts are given, traditional garb is donned and ancestral hometowns are visited. On New Years' Day in America, bottles and bottle of water are consumed, Advil and Aspirin tablets are shared amongst loved ones and clothing from the night before is worn for almost half the day.

Let's look at a breakdown of the respective New years' eves in the two nations

New Years' Eve:

2:00 pm

S.K.- Me, my brother, sister, Mom and Dad arrive at my grandparents

house in a small rural town outside of Seoul. We have our traditional Korean clothing in hand and clutch gifts/cards/food for loved ones. My family and I have been preparing all day for tonight and the following day.

U.S.- Jussstt about waking up. Fortunately, New Years Eve fell on a Saturday this year, so a friend had put together a New Years Eve Eve party. Excellent. Not one, but two nights of beer pong, up and down the river and completely destroying someone's home/life. Think I'll take a nap in preparation.

4:00 pm

S.K.- Gifts carefully wrapped in layers and layers of packaging are exchanged. I bought my grandmother a beautiful white and violet vase. I also offered her a plate of chocolate rice cakes my mother, brother and I had made the night before. She smiles and I bow.

Next is my grandfather. The oldest member of our family and therefore, most respected. I sit down close to him and pull out a small metal trinket I had made at University. Red, blue and green colors light up his tired, grey eyes. It is a glasses case.

He seems pleased, but only smiles when I uncover the 3 bottles of Soju I snuck in unbeknownst to my mother. He is happy. I am happy.

U.S.- Get up from my nap.

6:00 pm

S.K.- Aunts, Uncles and cousins arrive at the house. Hugs and kisses are exchanged along with bows to the elder family members. Cousins exchange gifts with grandma and grandpa. Dinner prep begins. Dining table is set. Kim-chi is made. Spicy, red and complimented with rice.

U.S.- Kegs arrive at the party house. Four to be exact. Two already have dents from the treacherous trek up to the 3rd floor apartment. Dining table is turned into a pong platform. The jungle juice is prepared. Malibu Rum, Natural Light and some mouthwash for that extra zip.

8:00 pm

S.K.- Dinner is served with numerous side dishes. Different types of fish, meat, noodles and vegetables are consumed. Families may then walk together after the meal and catch up on each other's lives.

U.S.- I arrive at the party still chewing on the 2 slices of pizza I bought for dinner. I grab a solo cup and scribble my name in on the beer pong list. I utter a few inside jokes amongst friends, turn up the already booming sound system and begin trash talking the pong players.

11:00 pm-12 am

S.K.- Biggest moment of the night. Me, my brothers, sisters and cousins must bow to our grandparents and ask for money. We've practiced these bows before. Hands folded out to our eldest relatives, knees to the ground first, then follow with the head. Then back up again. Many nerves but also very gratifying if done right.

U.S.- Biggest hour of the night. All of us that are not passed out await the stroke of midnight. But what will happen at midnight? Will that girl you've been eyeing all night come over and give you a new years kiss? Will these two guidos from Long Island finally lose a beer pong game? Will that Bob Marley poster still be attached to the wall? Is there robitussun in the jungle juice? Many nerves. Very little gratification.

12:30 am

S.K.- Everything went very well. Received 50,000 won from my grandparents and approving looks from my family. Respect was given and respect was had. Now off to bed. Big day tomorrow with family, traditional Korean clothes and food!

U.S.- Nothing went well. Instead of the girl coming over to me at midnight, 7 of my friends tackled me on to the couch, spilling juice all over the white cushions and ripping down the Marley poster. The host would have been mad, had he not fallen asleep at 9:30 on his kitchen floor. Next two hours are pretty similar to the beginning of the night. Only more singing and shouting.

Probably pass out at 3. Wake up around 10. Maybe get something to eat. Then do it again?

Hopefully not. Resolute 2010.